taking my own advice.

I'm more adept at giving advice instead of seeking it, but even the best of us need a little boost sometimes. My inspiration station serves this purpose rather well. Whenever I hear something or see something that strikes me in the right way, it goes on the board. And really, it's a random board. Right now there are quotes from John Wooden (a legendary basketball coach), Albert Einstein (a famous genius), and Tamra Barney (a real housewife from Orange County). Sometimes, it is all hip hop lyrics (typically in the Rick Ross "hustle hard" vein). Other times, I have more of a "don't give up" vibe. It just depends on the day... and time of the semester!

<<<-------- But this one is my favorite. It's a Lindsay Granger original, and it is something that I need to see everyday.

I have a problem with having really good ideas but not following through on them. There are times when I jokingly blame ADHD for this (if you follow me on twitter, you'll see me tweet "ADHD on a million" quite a few times when deadlines are looming!), but that's not real. I don't actually have the disorder. I do, however, suffer from a high level of perfectionism that (among other things) makes it hard for me to do things when there is a large chance of not succeeding. In terms of writing papers, I can't get going until I know exactly what I'm going to write about. Then, I have to constantly remind myself that 'it's just a draft' or else I'll keep editing before it's finished... which delays the paper until the last minute, then makes me dissatisfied with the final product. Honestly, I think that what saves me and my GPA is that I'm a good writer and a better editor. But still, never being satisfied with your own work is not a good look.

In terms of real life stuff, this perfectionism stymies my efforts at 'going big.' I mean, what if I fail? To me, that's the scariest thing ever. I'm not afraid of public speaking. I see death as an inevitability. But failure? Nope. Not an option. But, since it's not an option, I tend not to take risks where that could be an option. It is something that I am actively working on. For example, one of my personal goals of this blog is to just write without caring about who reads it. I mean, yeah, I hope I gain an audience and I hope I can change some minds and contribute to the conversation, but it's not a must. I won't gage the success or failure of this endeavor by not meeting these goals. At least, I won't try to.

So here I am, trying to follow my own advice. It's time to stop letting the idea that I have to be perfect at everything paralyze me from doing the things that I want to do. That I need to do. That I'm perfectly capable of doing. And believe me, there is a lot that I want to do! Will I accomplish all of it? Probably not. But without going for anything, I won't do anything.

Time to let myself be great. You should do the same.

educators as advocates: coming out for social change

Educators need to help move society along to the point
where everyone realizes that love is love, no matter what.
[photo credit]

In the past few weeks, Anderson Cooper and Frank Ocean have both publicly announced (or, in the former's case, confirmed) their homosexuality. While most folks have applauded these two for their bravery, some have called their actions publicity stunts or blasted them with homophobic slurs (mostly in terms of the latter). Of course, I'm on the side of applause. I think it's great that these two shared this hidden part of themselves with the world, and hope their actions empower others to have the courage to be themselves.

Having worked with teens who were coming to terms with their sexual identities, I have seen how hard it is to publicly state what you have always known. In every school I ever worked/interned in, my office space was a place of tissues and tears as kids talked to me about how hard it was to hide this important aspect of their lives from those they loved the most. For some of them, I was the first person they came out to. For others, I was the next step in the line that typically started with friends and ended with family. My schools in Philadelphia were rare, in that the other students were supportive of their LGBTQI classmates and the bullying and terrorizing that a lot of students go through was rather limited. (I can't think of any instances, but I cannot say they didn't exist.) Sometimes students would use my office to practice their 'coming out' speech, other times they would use it to actually come out to friends. This was typically an empowering and freeing time for these kids.

Coming out to families, however, was usually a different story. While there were times when parents knew and were supportive of their child's sexuality, the typical picture was not as rosy. Sometimes, kids would come out to family and receive such a negative response that they immediately backpedaled from their disclosure. Other times, they were so aware of their parent(s)' dislike of homosexuals that they were afraid to say anything. And on rare occasions, a kid would have the talk with their parent(s) and come to school with bruises the next day. (These instances were always called in to ChildLine. Unlike those at Penn State, I took my mandated reporter duties very seriously and even followed up.) I had parents get mad at me for telling their child that it was okay to be gay, or tell me that it was not my place to promote "sinning" in children. I got cursed out plenty of times for plenty of reasons when I was a school counselor, but these instances were always the worst because I could see how much this was hurting their child.

Hopefully, the very public actions of Anderson Cooper and Frank Ocean (and plenty of others who are out and proud) will aid in the cultural shift toward acceptance of LGBTQI identities that is happening, albeit rather slowly, in America. It is so important for kids to have role models who can show them, and the rest of the world, that it is 100% okay to be who they are. Educators can create schools with cultures that are caring and supportive enough to facilitate this process, but kids aren't in school 24/7. In addition to instilling in these children the strength to fight through negativity with the idea that 'it gets better', we also need to work to make the negativity stop.

Educators, especially school counselors, are in a unique position to take this message to the public since we see how hard it is for our kids. Obviously we can't share details, but the general idea that a society of homophobia is harmful for children is clear even from sanitized stories. (Indeed, my above stories are amalgamations of numerous kids, families, and schools over the course of a few years, but hopefully they are effective examples.) We see these things every day, and the time for silence has passed. Educators need to be advocates for our kids so that this heavy barrier to learning (and life) can be lifted.

I want to get to the point where coming out isn't a big deal. It'll be a tough road to travel, but we can totally get there. All I know is that it won't get better unless we all do something.  

is code switching bad?

Perfect illustration! And the site it comes
from is pretty great, too. 

A few weeks ago, one of my White classmates brought up the idea of code switching. It was in response to an article in which the author expressed disdain for concerted efforts to make college campuses more diverse, citing the fact that students of color don't know how to speak proper English and therefore don't deserve to attend elite universities. (Paraphrasing, but not much.) My classmate was obviously disturbed by the idea that students of color have to change the way they (we) speak just to be accepted in school. When I mentioned that I do it all the time (including the present time) and have been since I was a kid, she was shocked. "That just seems like so much effort!" When I said that it was pretty natural at this point in my life, she looked visibly upset.

My classmate's reaction has been gnawing at me ever since. Is code switching bad? Having been explicitly taught this behavior at a rather young age, I never gave it much thought. I grew up knowing that the how you act in public has to be better than how you at home because people who don't know you will think you're [whatever] if you act like [whatever]. While an understanding of the racial and social implications of this came later, my parents were very deliberate with this message. My mom modeled this behavior at work and even gave my brother and me phone answering lessons. (Like, for real. It was that deep.) My parents, just like their parents and all the other parents who do/have done this, were just trying to give us a leg up.

It is no secret that Black students are treated better when they (we) can mimic the White, middle-class values and norms that the American public education system values. Researchers like Lisa Delpit and Gloria Ladson-Billings (two of my favorite favorites, by the way) write extensively about the ways that African American children are perceived as deficient and uneducable because their normal is not the same normal as their teachers who come from majority groups. As a result, they lose out on valuable educational experiences (like learning) because their teachers either don't teach them well because they don't think they can learn *or* spend so much time teaching them away from their cultural norms that they don't get a quality educational experience.

[FYI: As of 2007, the teaching force was ~87% White, while the student body was 40% non-White and growing (Renzulli, et al., 2007). So, while every White teacher doesn't do this, it happens a lot.]

My justification for teaching kids to code switch is that it makes things easier. Successfully doing this means that they can avoid these issues with teachers and focus on learning. They won't be judged negatively by their teachers and will probably get treated better than their peers of color who cannot connect with their teachers this way. Even in non-academic settings, like the workplace or just in public, code switching has its benefits. People who do this have an easier time moving through the world because they know what is expected of them. Or, as my mom puts it, "they know how to act."

I do agree with my classmate on one point: It really sucks that this has to happen. Why do not-White children (people) have to bifurcate in order to be accepted? I wish we could get to a time when the White, middle class norms aren't "normal" and everyone can be who they are and it's all good in the hood... but that time is not now. Code switching is necessary, and those of us who can successfully master it will be the ones who benefit the most. So, while I hate being called "articulate" and being told that I "speak so well", I'd rather have these (non)compliments than be dismissed outright for not properly forming a sentence. It is a trade off that I will take any day of the week.

Sorry, classmate. Code switching is here to stay. Lucky for you, you can always just be yourself.

---
citation:
Renzulli, L., Macpherson, H., and Beattie, I. (2010). Racial mismatch and school type: Teacher satisfaction and retention in charter and traditional public schools. Sociology of Education, 84, 23-48.

never too early.

Sean Carter/Jay-Z didn't go to college, but if you want
that for your child, it is best to start early! [photo credit]

Whenever parents find out that I used to be a high school guidance counselor, the second question that I am asked is "When should I start planning for college?" (The first question is typically "What is the craziest thing you've heard?" To which I reply: I can't disclose that information.) The answer to the college planning question is way less cryptic: Start planning when your child is born.

My response has zero to do with competitive admissions and everything to do with indoctrinating your child with the expectation that they will go to college. This is especially important if you live in a community or your child will go to schools where college is not the dominant message... Or if you think that, for whatever reason, this message won't be directed towards your child. You need to promote this ideal early and often if you want it to actually happen. As much as we like to think that the whole point of the K-12 education system is to be a pipeline to college, it is not. It has been shown over and over that the this system does more to reproduce inequality than to break the cycle. It is no one person's fault that this happens, but it is definitely up to the parents to make sure that the system doesn't keep their child in place.

But how?

For one, talking about higher education as an inevitability is crucial in naturalizing college as the next step after high school. Thinking back, I don't remember a time when my older brother and I didn't know that we were going to go to college. I recall my brother checked one of those '100 Best Colleges' books out of the public library in elementary school and declared that he wanted to go to the University of Nevada, Las Vegas because the weather was nice and he could 'ride a moped all year long.' (Really, a moped.) Even though he went to Rutgers and never got a moped, the point is that attending college was always on the horizon. The message was never one of "if." Rather, it was always one of "when."

You can also engage your child in exploratory activities that allow them to see the connections between things that they like to do and what that hobby looks like in the world of work. You don't need to have a lot of money to do this. If your child likes art, get books from the library about different artists or find free art classes in your community. If your child likes to build things, take them by a construction site and let them watch the workers. Who knows, they could become an architect or an engineer. Whatever your child is into, be sure to be supportive and application-oriented. Understanding their natural interests and inclinations will allow you to tailor your activities to cultivating their talents.

I have talked to many parents who are concerned about the quality of the schools that their children will likely attend. To them, I say this: If the schools that your child goes to aren't up to snuff, supplement! My parents faced this situation when I changed schools in 4th grade, and they picked up the slack through library books, PBS, and National Geographic. Outside of school education is just as important than what goes on inside of the classroom. This is especially crucial in the summer, when the majority of school year learning is lost.

A final tip may seem obvious, but it is still worth noting: Make sure your child gets the best grades possible from day one. Since the vast majority of schools in the United States engage in some form of tracking, how they perform in elementary school has bearings on their schedules in middle school and high school. Good grades are a must. Also, taking the time in elementary school to instill good study and learning habits in your child will pay dividends in high school and college. I was one of those kids who never had to study in K-12, but was at a severe disadvantage when I got to college. Picking up habits on the fly is really hard. Also, good grades = scholarships, and free money is always a good look!

In the early stages of your child's life, college planning is more about setting them up to have the best possible options later on. The typical process of narrowing lists and deciding on majors is way easier if your child knows what they like to do, what they (might) want to do with it, and are in the academic position to act on these goals. Trust me, I was a high school counselor.